#AskGretchen! September Edition

Dear Gretchen: My friend’s daughter is a real stinker. She back talks constantly, and her mother never makes her listen. The child whines and cries and throws tantrums when she doesn’t get her way. It is obnoxious. My friend always gives in. Is there anything I should say to my friend about this? – Manners Matter, Orlando, FL

Dear Manners: It’s easy to judge a situation when you aren’t the parent and the one who is giving 24/7 care. If your friend hasn’t asked, it isn’t any of your business. Your well-intentioned comments could be met with defensiveness. When you are with your friend and one of these situations occurs, you can ask her if there is anything you can do to help or excuse yourself so that you aren’t involved. Giving unwelcome advice can be hurtful and damage a friendship. Parents struggle to figure out the “right way” to parent their children and can feel the unspoken judgment and criticism of others. A kind thing to do would be to ask your friend if you can give her a break so that she can go and do something nice for herself while you watch her daughter. Rest assured, your friend is as uncomfortable as you are with the public scenes and is doing her very best. – Gretchen

Dear Gretchen: My daughter is shy and on the quiet side. When she gets together with her cousins, they usually do not include her in their games. It breaks my heart to see her off by herself and makes me angry at my sisters for not making their kids play with her. What is the best way for me to get my daughter to interact and join in with the other kids? It’s brining up all of my feelings of from childhood when I was left out of groups. – Feeling Left Out, New York City

Dear Left Out: Childhood wounds can be painful. Something you can do to help foster your daughter’s relationships is to be a model on how to interact with others. When my kids were small, I would approach the children with them and encourage them to be included. When they stumbled or hid behind my legs, I gave them the words to use. I stayed with each of my boys so that they felt supported while they practiced the scary skill of being vulnerable and opened themselves up to rejection. The reward was that they learned how to ask for what they wanted. Kids often need to be taught how to act appropriately in social situations. That is why you hear and see so many parents on the playground telling their children to be nice and to share. If you can give your daughter the gift of words and be there as she practices, she will gain confidence that will help her, her entire life. On another note, I want you to ask yourself if the feelings you are having are more about you or your daughter. If they are about you, it may be a good idea to seek therapy to sort out and come to peace with these feelings from the past. Parenting can be so triggering. But, as you nurture your child and help her navigate the turbulent waters of adolescence, you will also be nurturing and healing your inner child. – Gretchen

Dear Gretchen: I’m a new mom and am getting a lot of opinions from friends, family, and even strangers about how I should raise my daughter. People are chiming in on everything from breastfeeding, to sleep training, to immunizations. It makes my head spin and I find that I’m second-guessing myself. How do I tell these people to keep their opinions to themselves? – Sleep deprived in Studio City, CA

Dear Sleep Deprived: Welcome to motherhood! People everywhere bond over giving their opinions. Seemingly harmless folks, take it upon themselves to bestow their well-earned knowledge onto others.  Each time you receive a piece of advice, remember that the person giving it thinks they are helping. They are not trying to overwhelm you. On the contrary, they are trying to save you from some of the past mistakes they have experienced or some danger that they think you need to know about. The problem with unsolicited parenting advice is that the stakes are high. While you may still be figuring out your sleeping arrangements with the baby, if you will give her a pacifier, or immunize her before her blood-brain barrier has a chance to form, these other mother’s feel seasoned and at liberty to share their well-meaning opinions with you. Even though you may not want or need their words of wisdom, simply thank them and take what you like and leave the rest.  You are your daughter’s mom. The way you parent doesn’t have to get the golden seal of approval from anyone at the playground. It only has to work for you and your child. Let your maternal instincts lead. Trust yourself. You’ve got this. – Gretchen

Dear Gretchen: My son is in a class with the absolute worst teacher in the school. Our Principal has a very strict rule about not changing classes under any circumstances. I am so upset about the teacher assignment. What can I do?  - Not Liking the Teacher, Plano, TX

Dear Not Liking the Teacher: It sounds like you are in it with this teacher for better or for worse. I encourage you to start noticing the teacher’s good qualities. Ask the teacher if there is something you can do to help lessen his/her workload. Can you volunteer in the class, help to grade papers, come in and read to the kids, or purchase items on the wish list? Whatever you do, do not bad mouth the teacher to other parents or your own child. More often than not, it will get back to them, and can cause negative repercussions for your son’s school year.  Remember, people are entitled to have bad days. Maybe this person was struggling when you had your last experience with them. Show compassion and give them the benefit of the doubt. You have the power to set the tone in this relationship. Make it a good one. - Gretchen

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